Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.