SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
this is how life feels
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911