Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My time has come.
i spent way too long on this
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.