Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.