Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute