doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards