Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White