Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When I laugh on my period
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.