How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.