Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
You Might Also Like
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
🔦🌙👣
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.