Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.