Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….