Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.