Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?