Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”