Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK