Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I ate everything, including the H.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Just got to our Airbnb!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…