I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!