@Mindless4Miles: Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.
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@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@T_Bonezzz_: Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?
@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.
@curlymalloy: My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex... Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???... No!!!