@Mindless4Miles: Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.
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@UnfilteredMama: My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.” It’s a rough life.
@sixfootcandy: How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"
@shashaintl: What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
@sammyrhodes: Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.