Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*looks at you in batman voice*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie