@Mindless4Miles: Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners
@FirstDateStory: "Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"
@animaldrumss: Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?