People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
.. do you even science?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse