@Sassafrantz: Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"
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@That_Damn_Duck: How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"
@qqnqui: Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
@carlyken: Buy Domino's Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS