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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Terribly Tuesday.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.