@zachreinert03: Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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@NotJPo: Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else.
@garrydavenport: One of my "100 things to do before you die" would definitely be "call an ambulance".
@bridger_w: When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, "I'm actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case"
@putyoursisterd1: 12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.