@zachreinert03: Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought 'wow that's not safe' & at second glance thought 'wow that guy's on fire'
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@Rollinintheseat: *Shakespeare resetting his password* "Enter new password." Fortnight "Your password is two weeks."
@Beesthegame: "Can someone call me a doctor?!" You're a doctor. "Please I'm losing my patience!" You're a terrible doctor.
@Rollinintheseat: When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond "Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me."
@Jake_Vig: What I say: "Agree to disagree" What I really mean: "You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way"