@zachreinert03: Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought 'wow that's not safe' & at second glance thought 'wow that guy's on fire'
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@cloudypianos: Obama: Please don't talk to me until I've had my morning cup of Joe. Joe: no please no more. Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
@neiltyson: If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
@WheelTod: [Lounging in hot tub] Paul the Plum: "I'm starting to shrivel up like a..." Pete the Prune: "Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!"