Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You Might Also Like
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.