Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Its a hippotatomus
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….