@SamGrittner: Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
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@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: It's either me or th- ME: He has name WIFE: OR the goose. ME: Say it. WIFE:… ME: Say his name. WIFE:… ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks
@ShesARealGenius: Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?" Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda." Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"
@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.
@murrman5: Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.