Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Important
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude