Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics