Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Wait for it
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist