Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
You Might Also Like
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.