@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
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@elle91: Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big.
@skullpuppy11: My cat said "meow", so I answered with a "meow", and now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
@MarcusTheToken: Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.