@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
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@dumbbeezie: If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
@ewfeez: [Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall] Oh ya! [breaks 2nd wall] Oh ya! [3rd wall] OHHH YEAAHH! [breaks 4th wall] I've had many, many concussions
@MrsMikePatton: I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
@BuckyIsotope: *calls son at college* Pop quiz, son “Ok” What’s the opposite of a hot dog “Um…a cold cat?” Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy