@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
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@Sarcasticsapien: Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
@ShoutingGoddess: There is a 'you can kill them if you catch them within a minute' rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that. *sharpening knife*
@Nocturnesthesia: Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
@SodomyClown: ME: "I don't like this movie." HIM: "We are at a funeral." ME: "Who directed this?" HIM: "A bear attack." ME: "Never heard of him."