Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.