Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY