Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”