Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.