Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
You Might Also Like
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.