*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two