Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The Others (2001)
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…