When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president