I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”