@mattyglesias: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn't use a private email server.
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@JohnnyCrash5: Friend: How come you didn't come to my babyshower? Me: Oh I'm sorry but I passed away.
@globetrottgirl: It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
@jimmytorosian: Me: That tree is impeckable "Don't you mean impeccable?" *cut to woodpecker with a broken beak* Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?