When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday