Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”