say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Science memes
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.