Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)