Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Yup….perfect score!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops