Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
You Might Also Like
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
accurate
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.