Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl