Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get