Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Owl Sanctuary