*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The Joker was right
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.