SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
They did not miss in the small print
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.