Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
inventing words: clothing
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!