Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.